Akatsuki's Little Helper
by Akatsuki210
Summary: Tobi strives to help the other Akatsuki members as much as he possibly can.  Too bad his definition of "helping" is radically different from theirs.  One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** As evidenced by the fact that I'm not a Japanese male, I don't own _Naruto_ or any of its characters.

**Note:** Written for the prompt "mint and lilacs" on the NF forums.

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**Akatsuki's Little Helper**

Kakuzu was sitting at the table, meticulously calculating the Akatsuki's expenses and revenue for the past month, when he heard the most ominous sound one could possibly hear in the Akatsuki headquarters.

Cheerful whistling.

This particular sound inevitably meant that Tobi was nearby and in a helpful mood, and _that_ inevitably meant that something horrible was about to happen.

As the newest member of Akatsuki, Tobi was eager to please the other members by "helping" them in any way possible. Unfortunately, Tobi and the other members disagreed vehemently on the appropriate definition of "helping." Kakuzu vividly recalled, for example, the time Tobi had "helped" Pain by distributing copies of something he called "The Book of Pain-sama" to all the shinobi in Amegakure. Supposedly, it was a compilation of Pain's teachings, which would have been fine if Tobi hadn't "judiciously edited" it-Kakuzu was quite certain that Pain had never said anything even remotely like, "Thou shalt eat some ice cream every day."

Or the time he had "helped" Itachi by buying him a puppy that he could "train as a seeing-eye dog." _That _one hadn't actually turned out too badly: Itachi had simply picked up the puppy, disappeared for a few hours, and returned without it. Everyone assumed he had fed it to Zetsu. (In actuality, the Inuzuka were very confused to discover that an extra puppy had mysteriously appeared in their clan's kennel that afternoon.)

Considering past precedent, Kakuzu was understandably wary when he heard the sound of Tobi's whistling approaching him. Tobi hadn't gotten the urge to "help" him since joining Akatsuki, and Kakuzu had fervently hoped it would stay that way.

"Hi there, Kakuzu-senpai!"

"...Hello, Tobi-san," Kakuzu said cautiously. He noticed that Tobi was carrying a bucket of soapy water and wearing an apron. This did _not_ bode well.

"I've been helping Hidan-senpai!" Tobi chirped.

Mentally, Kakuzu began reviewing the preparations he'd put in place should he ever need to flee the country. Yes, his variety of falsified travel papers was up-to-date. Yes, he still had a great deal of cash stored in several secret bank accounts in multiple countries under numerous aliases.

"He's going to be so happy!"

Kakuzu began planning the quickest possible escape route from the Akatsuki headquarters.

As if on cue, the sound of someone irritably stomping up the stairs echoed through the building. Rain had an abundance of towers, which meant that most people there spent a lot of time climbing up and down stairs. The Akatsuki's base was no exception, and Hidan complained vociferously about that fact on a daily basis. The door slammed open, and the silver-haired missing-nin stormed in, not bothering to close it behind him.

"Ooh, it looks like Hidan-senpai is in a bad mood," Tobi said after Hidan had left the room.

"So what else is new?" Kakuzu grumbled.

"But I'm sure he'll feel much better when he sees what I've done for him!"

Kakuzu inched his chair a little closer to the door. He had no idea what Tobi could possibly have done to "help" Hidan, but he was ninety-nine percent certain that it would cause the zealot to become even more enraged than he usually was.

Sure enough, after Hidan opened the door to his own room, there was a two-second silence followed by an earsplitting bellow of, "WHAT HAVE YOU FUCKERS DONE TO MY SHRINE?"

Hidan dashed into the room, scythe clutched in one hand. With his characteristic loyalty and team spirit, Kakuzu pointed at Tobi. "Whatever it is, it's probably his fault."

Rather than denying this, as any sane person would have done, Tobi clasped his hands together, somehow managing to convey that he was beaming with pride behind his mask. "I spruced it up for you, Hidan-senpai!"

Hidan's fury seemed to be making it difficult for him to speak. "You...spruced..."

"I cleaned all the blood off the statue of Jashin-sama!" Tobi brandished the bucket of soapy water and a bottle of mint-scented cleaning fluid.

"You moron! That's s_upposed_ to be there!"

"And I hung a nice scroll above the shrine!"

"The scroll says, 'Jashin-sama loves you' and has a picture of a bluebird on it! What on earth possessed you to think that was a good idea?"

"I thought it would be cheerful! And shrines should have flowers, so I also borrowed a vase from Zetsu-senpai and put some lilacs in it!"

"I know you did! My room smells like a goddamn florist's shop!" Hidan raised the scythe over his head and brought it down hard enough that it would have bisected Tobi if it had hit him. But Tobi hopped backwards away from the downward arc of the weapon with an agility that no one would have guessed he had. He flung open the door and thundered down the stairs, yelling, "But Hidan-senpai, I only wanted to help!"

"Get back here!" Hidan charged after Tobi, swearing at the top of his lungs.

As Kakuzu sighed and turned back to his calculations, one of the windows blew open, and a flock of paper cranes swirled inside. Kakuzu looked up from his notebook as the cranes merged together into a humanoid figure. "Konan-san."

"Tobi just ran out of headquarters like a bat out of hell, with Hidan chasing him. What happened?"

Kakuzu grunted. "Take a look in Hidan's room."

Konan raised an eyebrow, curious. She walked down the hall and cautiously stuck her head around the doorframe into Hidan's room. After a few moments, she let out a small chuckle. Then another. By the time she made it back to the room where Kakuzu was sitting, she was laughing so hard that she could barely stand up straight. Against his will, Kakuzu felt the corners of his mouth beginning to quirk upwards, and soon after he was laughing too.

_This is the most amusing thing that's happened around here in a while. Maybe Tobi's idea of helping isn't so bad after all.

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_**A/N:** Oh, that wacky Madara. I can imagine him using his Tobi persona to screw with the other Akatsuki members' minds for his own amusement.


End file.
